Hello self,
It's me again. 2 years wiser than the last post. I want to make these posts more consistent so that I can look back to see my progress in life.
In my previous post I said that I would be moving after I receive my AMFT number. I wasn't brave or assured back then. I think I was scared and not ready for that change, though I wanted it so badly. What stopped me were my insecurities and fear of failing as a good daughter.
I turned 30 this year, and many changes have occured
- I got my first of many tattoos
- I finished all my AMFT hours and have applied for licensure with the BBS
- I am finishing up my APCC hours and planning to apply for licensure with the BBS
- I am no longer afraid to move out of the home and hopefully plan to do so by the summer or fall of 2023.
I would be lying if I said I wasn't scared of moving out of my home because I plan to quit my job at the community mental health clinic and try for private practice. But the timing of all of this is very tight and risky. The BBS is once again very behind in the way they are reviewing applications, and I am so certain that I will receive a deficiency saying that my hours are invalid. It's a weird anxiety flex, but just like I felt when applying for college back in high school, this terrible waiting game has made me believe that for some reason all my hard work during the last 4 years will be denied. I'm scared. Because if I quit my job and for some reason I'm denied licensure, I won't have income to support the mortgage of this house.
I know I could just apply to another amft job, but it just seems so impossible especially if I already have almost all my hours. Who would want to hire someone who already has all their hours and is bound to upgrade soon to their license?
It's crazy how much my mind can expect the worse and just be so sure that it will happen.
I also believe that the burn out from my job makes me dread staying any longer.
I had a paper due, but the burn out and avoidance during this 3 day weekend (it was Veteran's day on Friday) made me so unproductive. I also wish to be healthier but just don't have any energy left to do any other thing besides eat and sleep.
I know I started this career because I truly believed in working on mental health, but i just feel so hopeless. Like I'm part of a money making machine instead of actually helping families. Perhaps I feel this way because I'm part of a system that focuses heavily on funding. oh to be license and out of that stifling situation.
Again doubt creeps up on me and questions whether I can do this as a single woman. I even thought about looking into having a partner in the future for financial stability. Silly. I can't imagine having a partner as I despise any form of intruding unto my personal and private place. Now i'm going off topic, but uhh, off topic, anyone every wish they could just hire someone to go eat out with you? We don't have to talk, I just want to sit at a restaurant and eat some delicious food.
Anyway, it's been 5 days since the midterm elections of 2022. What a historic night for the democratic party. Election season always gets my blood boiling knowing how narrow minded and ultra-religious but doesn't really know what's going on and will vote for religious reasons only even though she reaped the benefits of programs that democrats who she dislikes and votes against have implemented. Wow, i wanted to get that run on sentence off my chest. I can't wait to move out.
Once again, i want to manifest that I will move out by September 2023. I cannot stand living here in this house, with a sense of someone always hovering and judging. I want to live my life.
Until next time,
Elle.
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