Silly Mistakes

 Just finished my week 11 course in research methodology for my Ph.D program. 

And I'm frustrated but humbled. How did I completely forget about the 5 year research/ reference rule for proposals. 

On the other hand, I think I tried avoiding that fact in the back of my mind just so I could turn it in. 

What's truly sad is I find this research so fascinating. I want to really dive in and read. But I'm just so burnt out and craving for relaxation that my mind does not want to do any of this during my free time because all it wants to do is mindlessly scroll tik tok and play candy crush. 

I was worried about quitting my job in January because of the lack of financial stability and uncertainty of whether I pass my LMFT exam. But right now I'm realizing more that I truly need a break. I'm too exhausted. I want to do well in this field. Not dread having to turn in a paper every week. 

Frustrated. Sad. and Relieved. 

Funny how I can feel all of that in one go. 

Eve of change

Hello self,

It's me again. 2 years wiser than the last post. I want to make these posts more consistent so that I can look back to see my progress in life. 

In my previous post I said that I would be moving after I receive my AMFT number. I wasn't brave or assured back then. I think I was scared and not ready for that change, though I wanted it so badly. What stopped me were my insecurities and fear of failing as a good daughter. 

I turned 30 this year, and many changes have occured

- I got my first of many tattoos

- I finished all my AMFT hours and have applied for licensure with the BBS

- I am finishing up my APCC hours and planning to apply for licensure with the BBS

- I am no longer afraid to move out of the home and hopefully plan to do so by the summer or fall of 2023. 

I would be lying if I said I wasn't scared of moving out of my home because I plan to quit my job at the community mental health clinic and try for private practice. But the timing of all of this is very tight and risky. The BBS is once again very behind in the way they are reviewing applications, and I am so certain that I will receive a deficiency saying that my hours are invalid. It's a weird anxiety flex, but just like I felt when applying for college back in high school, this terrible waiting game has made me believe that for some reason all my hard work during the last 4 years will be denied. I'm scared. Because if I quit my job and for some reason I'm denied licensure, I won't have income to support the mortgage of this house. 

I know I could just apply to another amft job, but it just seems so impossible especially if I already have almost all my hours. Who would want to hire someone who already has all their hours and is bound to upgrade soon to their license? 

It's crazy how much my mind can expect the worse and just be so sure that it will happen. 

I also believe that the burn out from my job makes me dread staying any longer. 

I had a paper due, but the burn out and avoidance during this 3 day weekend (it was Veteran's day on Friday) made me so unproductive. I also wish to be healthier but just don't have any energy left to do any other thing besides eat and sleep. 

I know I started this career because I truly believed in working on mental health, but i just feel so hopeless. Like I'm part of a money making machine instead of actually helping families. Perhaps I feel this way because I'm part of a system that focuses heavily on funding. oh to be license and out of that stifling situation. 

Again doubt creeps up on me and questions whether I can do this as a single woman. I even thought about looking into having a partner in the future for financial stability. Silly. I can't imagine having a partner as I despise any form of intruding unto my personal and private place. Now i'm going off topic, but uhh, off topic, anyone every wish they could just hire someone to go eat out with you? We don't have to talk, I just want to sit at a restaurant and eat some delicious food. 

Anyway, it's been 5 days since the midterm elections of 2022. What a historic night for the democratic party. Election season always gets my blood boiling knowing how narrow minded and ultra-religious but doesn't really know what's going on and will vote for religious reasons only even though she reaped the benefits of programs that democrats who she dislikes and votes against have implemented. Wow, i wanted to get that run on sentence off my chest. I can't wait to move out. 

Once again, i want to manifest that I will move out  by September 2023. I cannot stand living here in this house, with a sense of someone always hovering and judging. I want to live my life. 

Until next time, 

Elle. 

Life Updates

It's been years since I've last written in this blog.
There are posts that I've decided to put on draft as they do not reflect my current views anymore.

So, technically, my last post that's shown here is from 2015. It's been 4.5 years since the last post that's been published/on display.

Within those 4.5 years, MANY things have changed in my life. I have a new career in social work, I'm wrapping up my Master's program to be a Marriage and Family Therapist, and I'm planning to move out either later this year or early next year depending on when I get my associate's number.

Also, full disclosure, I've been managing my depression and anxiety well on a new medication, and I've been learning different things about myself.

Most importantly, I've been learning to love myself, be a genuine version of myself in this world, and to be okay with mistakes.

I am not adequate, nor do I think I am a failure.

I believe that I am a kind and caring helper who hopes to be a calm and collected leader one day.

Meditation, mindfulness, and gratitude have been life altering ideologies.

I always credit the start of this journey and self-awareness to Dan Harris and his book 10% Happier. That book has truly been life changing and has helped me to explore a new sense of inner strength and identity.

I want to continue this blog not to show-off to others, but for myself. Because as I look at my previous posts and the mindset I was in back then, I recognize my own growth and willingness to experience change in my life... and I am proud of myself.
     

Update: Sunday, November 13, 2022 @ 12:33 am

I meant to say "I am not inadequate, nor do I think I am a failure."

Funny how a typo can change the whole message.

Dear Love;

Dear Love,


You've always hated your name as you thought it was

plain, 
short, 
ugly, 
uninteresting, 
rhymed with your last name, 


and so on. The list can continue, and it has throughout your life.

However love, I hope that you can learn to fall in love with it.

I hope that you can find the beauty, the uniqueness, meaning, and the worth of your name. Perhaps through such recognition you will learn to love yourself.

Indeed, you are quite unique. Some people have pointed out such quality of you in both a positive and negative manner. Through such experiences you've been both flattered and hurt by such comments.

Nonetheless, I hope that you can find yourself amid those views, apart from the magnifying glass that people tend to place focused upon you, and experience a true love for self.

Because you see, hope is a powerful thing, and the beauty of hope you will find once you embrace such belief.

Dear love, I hope you learn to embrace and love yourself.

Love, You.

Learning to Love Traveling.

Growing up I had the privilege to go on some family trips with my family. I was lucky enough to travel and experience different things apart from my Orange County bubble.

Whether it was a local trip to Catalina Island or to our neighbors up north, Canada, the trips were always planned extensively as if there was a fear of possible boredom experienced by the traveling members.

With extensive planning came an extensive schedule.

"Wake up at 6 am? Wasn't this a vacation?" Those exact words were spoken at least 5 times by my young self.


Along with the early morning, non-stop, active schedule, there was also a silent rule that every breath taken on the trip had to be documented by a photo. Every five minutes a command of "Pose here," "Stop here," or "Look over here," was said by the adults in the group. It didn't matter if it was the same exact background as the photo taken just minutes before, just the difference of a tiny pebble would have caused an adult to whip out their camera.

I, along with my brother, did not like the photos.


I hated the photos.


I absolutely DREADED the photos.


Ironically, today I am glad that these photos were taken, as they captured the full spectrum of emotions displayed by a young me. Those captured emotions help tell another story of what I despised growing up: traveling.


Growing up I hated traveling.The main reason being was that I had moved quite a bit growing up. I had moved to new schools every single year up until the 3rd grade. However, even after 3rd grade, I continued to move to different houses or apartments in the same city. In total, from kindergarten to senior year of high school, I moved a total of seven times between three different cities.

I absolutely hated the packing and unpacking process. I hated having to make new friends and adjust to a new environment. I hated being the new person.

Though I must admit, I did not have trouble making friends at these new locations, I simply disliked having to repeat the process. You could imagine my joy when I found out that I was returning to the same school in 4th grade.


Let's step back from the past because as an adult, I LOVE traveling. On my free time I day dream of my next trip, I look up flight tickets to random destinations, I scope out popular tourist sites and things to do at each city, I live to travel. Yet, if I had told this to my adolescent self, I would not have believed it. My only goal during the summer was to stay home and not move.

Almond Butter & Banana Toast

Although I initially started this journey as an experiment, my vegan challenge has been oh so lovely. I've learned many new tricks and recipes to make food fun and enjoyable. Here, I'll share some of the recipes that I've learned for all the enjoy. :)

After sleeping in, I just craved a healthy breakfast for lunch. 

Today's menu? Almong Butter & Banana Toast; Green Juice on the side. 

Ingredients

* is what I used in my recipe

- 1 cup | Almond: Unsalted for a sweeter flavor* or salted for a saltier flavor

- 2 - 3 tbsp | Coconut oil: Unrefined for a sweet flavor with hint of coconut* or refined

- sprouted bread

Instructions

1. In a food processor or blender, blend almond until it becomes a fine grain

2. Add 1 - 2 tbsp of coconut oil and blend again until the almonds have a mud-like texture. Make sure to scrape the side of the food processor/blender as well as direct the almonds to the center because the thickness of the almonds may make the substance difficult to blend. 

3. Add the remaining coconut oil into the blender and continue to blend for a minute or two until the texture wanted is established. If you want a creamier texture, add more coconut oil until you've reached the desired texture.

4. Add salt (optional)

5. Enjoy~

Let's conquer this year!

1. Yoga
2. Read more books
3. Paint
4. Manage finances better
5. Calligraphy
6. Sell something online
7. Less computer, more exploration